I'm not sure when it started, I'm not sure why I am like it, but like the title of this post says, I suffer from paranoia.

Now, I am not sure if I have mentioned it before now or not, but for my ME/CFS, I have to see a therapist. I am not sure how well it is going, but if I am honest, I don't like it (especially as I hate talking to people I don't know) and I am not convinced it is actually doing anything for me.

If anything, I usually feel worse after my appointments. And on top of feeling crap, I usually come away with what I call "Homework" in the form of lists, exercises, and tasks. All this despite the fact I struggle to read new information, I struggle really hard to take in new information, and I end up confused, angry or just at a loss as to what to do.

But I digress.

I have lots of 0ddities, lots of strange nuances, and several OCD aspects. None of them particularly bother me. Others find them amusing. I don't mind that others find it amusing that things have to be just "so"

So, me... Paranoid. I'm not going into anything else about me - that's a story for another time.

The stuff that goes through my head is usually strange and pointless, and there's no reason for it, but the things that end up playing on my mind have - this week - driven me to distraction.

Now, I should add at this point, I am writing this late Friday afternoon, but it won't publish till Sunday afternoon. My reasoning is simple: tomorrow (and I've not advertised it) Kellie and I are getting away for a short break. My brain however, has come out with so much crap regarding this weekend I needed to blog it out to try and clear my head.

Reality: The 0dd Mother in Law has paid for us to go away for the weekend. It's a much needed break that I have been looking forward to for ages. I have not escaped "life" in a very long time, and while it's only two days away, it's time away from everything. We get to stay in a little Bed & Breakfast, wander around somewhere different, have an evening out, sleep away from home, have breakfast, a day wandering around and exploring, then come home.

My Brain: This weekend is either: Kellie is going to tell me it's over, it's done, it's finished, or; Kellie is getting me away from the house and everything, as people are going to be moving all her stuff out, and we're going to come home, then she's going to tell me it's all over.

Now, logically, I am fairly sure my brain is just being a twat. Logically, the things we've been doing the last couple of weeks suggest that, in fact, NO, she's not about to say "See Ya!" and pack everything up and shift off.

Unreasonably, stupid little things that have gone on - things I KNOW are actually nothing - have lodged into my brain, and that stupid voice in my head has taken them and run amok with them. On top of THAT (as if it wasn't enough) the slightest stupid thing throws me off balance. Someone doesn't reply to a text: They hate me. Someone asks a question about how I am: They are questioning how I actually am. Someone talks about money or jobs or similar: They are digging at me not being able to work... And so on and on.

That's what my brain does - it takes the smallest of things, rearrange the facts so they are still correct but alternative versions of correct... Which I hate. And I try to ignore it, but I can't understand how to do it.

So why am I writing this now but not posting it till Sunday? Mainly because I am not totally convinced my logical brain is correct. Because the voice in my brain is actually telling me I'm wrong, that it's all going to go pear shaped. So by posting it Sunday, I will be able to read it and remember that I was being a twat and everything is fine. I just needed to get it out somewhere and somehow, and I didn't particularly want to have to whine to the same person over and over and over again about how I am feeling or what my brain is doing... The poor woman gets it plenty, so I figured I'd give her a break. Yes yes, she's probably going to message me and tell me off, but I can handle it - she's far enough away that she can't hit me ;)

Yes, I know, I am a bit of a mess mentally at the moment. I am working on it, I promise, I am doing my best to mute voices, not feel the need to re-arrange peoples cupboards, not wander around the house in the dead of night because I can't sleep, and not expect something to burst into flames at any minute.

And before you say it: Yes, I've tried talking about it (Hellooo, CBT!) but that doesn't make me feel any better - if anything, the more I talk about "How I Feel" the more I sound like I am whining and being all "me me me!" which I hate with a passion.

At least now you know why I am quiet so much of late.

And now, it's Sunday afternoon (as you read this, that is) and I am either once again proved to be a knobhead, or I am single.

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2 Responses to “Paranoia”

Posh Totty said...

Couldn't say what I wanted to say on here, wrote it out and changed my mind. However, check your whatsapp ;-)

Clare Bray said...

This is a ggreat post