Just Me..

I imagine the few of you that still read my blog are the ones that haven't clicked "block" or "hide" or "mute" or whatever else on my social media profiles of late. And believe me, I know exactly how I sound a lot of the time... When it's not random stuff, it's me, moaning and fed up about, well, me.

And this post is not much different.

Once again, I'm struggling to sleep very much. And this is with medication to help me sleep. I've been put back onto Amytriptyline which I hate, as past experience has proven it makes me exhausted and spacey. Well, not this time. I took a tablet at 10pm,and another at half past midnight. It's now a quarter to two in the morning and I'm still awake.

This time I suspect it's due to a hardcore 24-hour migraine that hit me Monday lunch time. I flaked on the sofa, thinking a nap would make it bugger off, but no... At half five that evening I went to bed, and woke up again at 3am. Then 10am. Then midday. And 2pm...

I got out of bed at seven this evening, had something to eat, and went back to bed at ten. I feel shit even now... Still have a headache, and now I feel bunged up...

On top of this (seriously, I know...) I've got a bloody tooth ache. Thanks to a dentist visit which was filled with needles and drilling to prepare a tooth for a crown, as the filling in it was too big apparently... My tooth wasn't hurting BEFORE, but it is now.

I'm so sick of this. All this. Me feeling crap all the time and not sleeping. Me feeling crap physically and mentally. My body hurting or being exhausted, my brain being filled with crap and worries...

I ended up being discharged from care under the Pain Management Service, thanks to my piece of shit brain. I had an appointment, which I remembered wrong, checked the appointment letter which I read wrong, and ended up going to the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day. So as I classed as a "No show" they discharged me. Back to square one, waiting for a re-referral. My brain sucks, I hate that it is so unreliable.

I CAN count on it to be paranoid. To over-think everything. To imagine the worst in every situation. To wind me up, stress me out and drag me down. I wish I had a period of quiet time, to chill out, recharge, run at my own pace and do my own thing. Every day just seems to be filled with STUFF and I struggle to keep up with it, so the next day has more STUFF, so I struggle more...

And on and on and over and over.

I'm tired, I don't feel well, and generally am sick of feeling and even looking the way I do. I'm sick of people telling me that "positive thinking" will cure me. I'm sick of people asking how am I as a way for them to tell me what's wrong with them without even acknowledging my reply. I usually just say "I'm OK" now, as people don't want to hear me detailing how my body feels trampled. I'm fed up being the one that has to message first to start a conversation, let alone writing long messages to people that only get an "ok" reply three hours later, or even better, no reply at all.

I probably sound like a whiny, moping brat to some of you, and that's fine... This being my blog and all. I just wish people understood how I feel 95% of the time. You don't even have to care that I feel like crap - just understand that I do.

I'm sure I could go on and on, but I won't. I'm just fed up of trying to make people get that I feel like complete crap most of the time. If you still don't get it or care, then I'm pretty sure you never will. And that's fine too - just don't roll your eyes and sigh when I moan about it here or anywhere else.

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One Response to “Just Me.. ”

Punya said...

I read your blog because I have grown very fond of you through your wonderful ways with words, your fine intelligence, wonderful humour and sensitivity. You have lived through the worst experience a parent can have. A relationship breakdown, meeting up with an an old friend and starting a new new relationship, a wedding, your kids are growing with all that that brings to a parent. You have a blended family, stepchildren and now a new baby on the way. Your Kellie's health brings current concerns and being in that environment in bringing out past traumatic memories with the loss of Bethany. She walks with you each moment. You loved her from the time you knew she was on her way and then her painful passing leaving you in grief.

Of course you have a lots of stuff. I would like you to think back and reflect in a calm and quiet place how much you have gone through. There is no judgment. I think you have post traumatic shock on top of your body and health issues.

Life is shit sometimes!!

Jesse has been having visual and auditory hallucination so I as his 62 year old worn out mum mum moving into the mental health system with a complex needs young man. I have made two formal complaint from the lack of services and supports in 6 weeks and still services are not in place. Being a parent bring so much work, time and energy..

I had a 7 month breakdown from stuff last year. Felt very unwell couldn't get out of bed for days and for weeks, months and years prior to that in very stage of severity. I was tired. I resigned and to save my sanity I built a recovery garden. Weeding, building up the soil from composting making a small corner of beauty and expanding one welfare cheque after another building soil and planting vegetable, herbs, chillies and fruit trees.
It got me outside with gentle exercise. I took lots of breaks. Really sometimes I could only do a couple of minutes before I ache and was exhausted. I made sitting spots outside. Slowly my mental and physical health has improved. The vegetables fed me well throughout the spring and even now I eat well as a result. The flowers bloom and gave me beauty. I am an old hippy that finds peace in these gentler aspects of life. An occasional retreat into a serene space can ease my soul and free my mind and relax my body.

Be kind to yourself Dan. You are much loved by a lot of people. Kind regards Punya xxxx