The 21st

So, today is the 21st of February. A day which I feel more than see has arrived. I don't know, maybe I'm attuned to it after so many years, maybe I subconsciously know the date, maybe I'm blocking it out but it still appears.

Today marks eleven years since losing my beautiful little Bethy. Eleven years. Sometimes it seems so raw, other times it just feels like it was a million years ago... Either way, I still remember it so vividly... And that is both a blessing and a curse. I can remember my daughters last day, but I also remember her last day.

It's currently 2am. Yesterday, I spent the morning messing around with Poppy, who then slept like a log, until woken to get ready to go to Kerry & James's. There, we had a few drinks, watched photos and a video from their wedding in August, came home, had burger and chips delivered, I scoffed a butt-load of Jaffa Cakes, and we watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine. After midnight struck, Poppy was tired and restless (AFTER midnight, duh!) so we got into bed, and I've been watching documentaries since, just trying to distract myself.

This year seems and feels different, I think because I have Poppy. Obviously she's not a replacement or anything like that, but she has SO many Bethy Mannerisms, it's spooky. The same "I'm up to no good, but here's a cheesy smile" smile. The same expressions. They look very similar... I'm trying to hang in there, build a bridge, hang tough... But it's so difficult. Obviously Poppy is too young to know or understand anything yet, but she will. It was the same with Tamsyn - she was born four weeks to the day after losing my Bethany.

I am quite tired now, and am considering sleep... I'm just worried I'm going to end up dreaming vivid dreams, reliving shit I don't want to relive. I might try sitting and watching more documentaries, but suspect I'll doze off and miss whatever I'm watching..

Regardless, as usual, my phone will probably sit in the corner being ignored. I get some lovely messages from you lovely people, but some of them are quite hard to read, so I have to leave and avoid for another day.

Also, as I'm posting from my tablet (not sure I want the dark lounge, alone with my thoughts and photos of my angel) the formatting of this entry might be wonky - and I can't post photos until I edit from my laptop... But anyway...

My beautiful darling angel, Bethy,

I can't believe it's been so long - again. I know I probably say that every year, but I cannot believe it's been eleven years since you had to go.

And even after eleven years, I miss you, your cuddles, and your glorious smile. However, I notice that Poppy has developed several behavioural things she could have only picked up from you.

I know you visit. People probably think I'm mad, but I definitely smell things - hospital things usually, so I know you come back to check to up on us.

AND to teach Poppy.

I hope you know, I still talk about you, still think about you almost every day, and still remember you, picturing you swinging from the bannisters or coming running when I got home.

I miss you so much my beautiful little Angel. I have no idea how I made it this far some days, not idea how it made it to eleven years, and yet it is still as fresh and raw as if it has only just happened.

I know, yes, that you HAD to go. Your poor little self had done so much, brought so many people together, raised so much more awareness of CHD... You, my baby, are a wonderful, amazing and very very special little girl. But the selfish part of me hates you had to go, hates that so much happened to someone so pure and innocent, sometime I just want to rage at the world.

I'm sure that, where ever you are, you are having a great time. I am certain you can run now. Fall over and not vomit. Do whatever you want and not get poorly and turn blue. Well, blue-er! But most importantly, I am absolutely, 100% sure, that you are up there Shakin' That Ass!

Just know that you are very much missed by everyone, that so many new people want to meet you, and that I hate you were taken from me so early. You are so loved my Bethy, my little Baby Moo...

I See You, Baby...

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2 Responses to “The 21st”

Hazel said...

Also remember with some clarity Bethy's final days - holding you and her in my thoughts specially today xx

Helen said...

There are many people who whilst not walking in your shoes,and never able to understand that pain. They walk a step to the side of you- remembering once again the date and all it means. How life stood still for that period between news texts and who wept along side you and Jo. Bethies infectious cheeky personality will always live on. Big hugs to you my friend, xx