Backsliding

Both kids are here now, and I've just made them dinner. I've been intentionally keeping busy this afternoon as I've felt myself sliding backwards. I've got so much to do, but I just want to pack it in, curl up and vanish.

Because I want her back.

I'm trying to concentrate on everything else, chatting and playing with the kids, clearing up and sorting stuff out, but my mind is on Jo and what I could or should be doing to get her back, even though I know it'll never happen. On top of that, I've been remembering, thinking back over our time together, from first dates, things we've seen and done...

I'm a shell. Outside I am Dan, trying to hold it all together. Inside I am screaming and lost.

I'm sure I'm stuck in a nightmare, a drug-induced hallucination, that I will wake up and she'll be there smiling and arms open to me, but I know she's gone. And I feel useless. I feel lost without her. I am missing the biggest part of my life, and don't know what I can do to move on, to repair it or anything.

I'm holding myself together for the kids at the moment. I just find the later in the day I get to, I want to just break down. I'll prolly be OK in a while, but for now, I am sitting, writing, and lonely, even with friends just a phone call away.

I want Jo. That is all.