I Need...

You know what I need to do at the moment.  Or, rather, what I SHOULD be doing at the moment.

Absolutely nothing.  I am so tired, this week seems to have lasted forever - and a bit.  Jaysen has been a poorly little bunny, and while he's not needed anything, he's been here the whole time.  I hate seeing him when he's ill, I wish I could do more for him, but it's literally been a case of giving him meds to keep his temperature down, making sure he drinks plenty, and trying to get him to eat something.

Tamsyn arrived Wednesday lunchtime as usual, and has been running around as usual, slyly changing the channel on the cable when Jaysen wasn't looking.  Not that he actually noticed very often mind you.  He'd go from watching Ben10, only to find Strawberry Shortcake on.

With him poorly, he's not been sleeping - he's very restless, and where his face is sore, it's disturbing him when he moves around in his sleep.  Of course, with him not sleeping, I've not been sleeping. Tamsyn also has a very strange cough that bothers her when she's been in the cold, or when she's in bed.  Cough Cough Cough all night - and of course, it keeps her awake which, as usual, means I am awake too. 

Between the pair of them, I've had precisely Fuck All sleep this week.

And, of course, being tired is never good for me.  I question everything I do, every decision I make or have made in the past, and worst of all, laying in the dark trying to sleep while exhausted, my mind runs straight back to Guys Hospital and to Bethy.

Now, you might say "think happy thoughts, think of better times" or whatever, but it just doesn't work.  And on top of this, it would have been her 8th birthday next week. 

I am trying my damnest to keep cheerful, to push through as best I can, to put on a happy face for the world, but I just want to curl up and sleep.

I'm off to Kellies this weekend as usual, and our plan is exactly that.  Nothing.  Rest, chill, relax, and sleep.  I NEED to recharge my batteries, and I NEED to get my head sorted.  I've got a medical review coming up with my GP, my first since being off the antidepressants - and I don't want to go in there and burst into tears while telling him "I'm Fine, thank you very much"

Stupid time of the year :(