Don't think I am posting a moany post for the simple fact that I've not done one for a while, because that's not it at all. But over the last couple of weeks, various things have happened - and not just to me, to others around me - or I've seen stuff or what ever that has just made me feel a little on the Blargle! side of things.
Sure, I probably DO over-react to some situations, and you will probably see some of this stuff and think "Blimey Dan - get back on the meds" but you don't want to make me angry. I get big and stuff, turn green and throw tanks around.
But the top-half of my trousers and my underwear will remain intact... You know, for the sake of propriety.
The Signs
I get road signs, I totally do. I'm not a driver (as you probably know), but I can look at a road sign and appreciate what it's there for, what it means and everything else. However, there are a series of road signs around one area that make me want to jump off the bus, rip them up, and find the plank that designed them.
Now, there's a "road system" between Kellies place and my own that most drivers hate. I don't mean it's disliked, I mean, it's
hated. Driving Instructors seem to take a maniacle joy in taking new drivers towards it. Observe:
Now, you might need to click the image to truly appreciate it, but in essence, you have one large roundabout, with five smaller ones around the outside. Basically, this point in Essex is where two large towns empty, and three major roads meet up. Once you're used to it, it's not too bad, but between 0800-1000 and 1600-1800, when every man and his dog are heading home, it's just a very pretty circular carpark.
My grip isn't with the "system" though, it's the signs leading up to it. As far as I can tell, a road sign should be clear, correct and not too distracting. However, leading up to Sadlers Farm Roundabout, is a big black electronic sign that flashes big garish letters. In all the years I've been going past it - even at a snails pace - it's never pointed out that there is congestion, nor traffic, nor anything else. It often says "THINK! Don't Drink & Drive!" which, while good information, isn't the best on a busy road. However, the one that
really rattles my cage is what it usually says. "NO REPORTED TRAFFIC INCIDENTS"
I've sat in traffic for 10, 15, 30 minutes at a time, beside that bloody sign flashing between
Don't Get Drunk! and
Nothing To Report! Now, call me old fashioned, but surely A) that's distracting, and B) a bloody great traffic jam
is a traffic incident?! A sign proclaiming "There's nothing going on" is sort of like...
She With The Tomatos
Yesterday, I went shopping. As pointed out to me, it wasn't that long ago that shopping intimidated me, the crowds scared me and I put it off as much as I could. However, being that I've adapted to my life, I was ready to face the hordes of people. See, with it being school summer holidays at the moment, the town is usually No Mans Land (literally), with mums dragging their kids around the shops doing the usual grocery shopping, with the added bonus of getting the kids kitted out with new uniform, PE kits, shoes, trainers and everything else for the new term.
Often, they travel in packs as well, so you get groups of mums, with massive groups of kids trudging behind them. And kids
hate shopping, so usually act up.
But this isn't about them... No, this is about
HER that I ran into in Asda. While I wasn't having fun jostling with the crowds of people in the shop, I was getting on with it. Tam stayed in her buggy, which Jaysen pushed, and I had the trolley and the shopping. We were nearly home free, when
SHE got in my way... I was in the fruit and veg department, when this old bitch pushed between me and the tomatos.
I don't know about the rest of the world/country or whatever else, but in Asda, they stack the trays of produce on top of one another. If one tray is almost empty, populated with only the sad, bruised and injured stuff, I'll move it and get to the happier stuff. This tray of tomatos was fine and dandy, and still over half full, but this old hag of a wench decided she wanted the OTHER stuff. A large tray of tomatos is probably quite heavy when you're an old cow, so she kinda lifted, dragged and dumped the tray against the bananas beside the tomatos, crushing several bunches in the process. She selected her FOUR tomatos, and fucked off.
She was about three paces away when afore-mentioned precariously-balanced box crashed to the ground, and the entire tomato crop of Norfolk scattered around me, Jaysen and our stuff. Of course, being round and smooth, they didn't just hit the ground and stop - they rolled, and thanks to the momentum from the fall, they
rolled for freedom.
With me muttering and Jaysen - as subtle as his dad - moaning about how stupid the woman was - we set to dutefully collecting up the escapees, when a member of staff came over. And the spotty little shit that probably left school four weeks ago is glaring at me and Jaysen! Now, bare in mind we're collected up tomatos and putting them in the box, this little f'ker tells me to pick up OUR mess!
"It wasn't us, a woman knocked them over!" I proclaimed. He had the audacity to look around at the people who had stopped to look at the Great Tomato Migration, then look back at me and say "I don't see anyone"
I tell you what, I hope that little shit doesn't become a police officer at any point in his life. He'll solve crimes by the person in the closest proximity!
And it didn't end there!
The Queue Jumper
I
hate rude people. I like to think I can be a fairly nice person. If I'm a queue to pay, and someone behind me has a little bag with hairnets and dog food, then generally, I'll let them jump in front of me. Especially, if I have two marauding kids, and the worlds supply of shopping to pack. I hate keeping people waiting while I keep one eye on the kids, one eye on the bags of shopping, another on the buggy, another on the stuff coming down the checkout...
So, we spy a fairly non-busy till. Bear in mind, as mentioned before, everyone in the south east of England was shopping in Asda, the tills were all fairly busy. So, we chose one which had only a few people waiting, and we headed to it. However, spurred on by the Olympics, this woman had other ideas. Armed with two sarnies, a bag of crisps and a drink, she physically pushed in front of me and Jaysen, and slammed her stuff down on the belt. Had I been, I don't know, a half-dozen paces from the till, fair enough, but we we on final manoeuvres INTO the actual checkout...
She didn't look at any of us, and the people in front of her looked at her, raised their eyebrows and looked past her to me with a "Did that really just happen?" look on their faces.
"Wow, that's REALLY rude!" piped up my son! "I know, but some people are just rude arseholes" came my reply. The woman stiffened, and glared at me but still said nothing. I started putting my shit on the belt behind her, and - wouldn't you know it - my two litre bottle of juice fell over onto one of her sarnies. Oops...
The guy on the till, probably powerless to do anything about it while fighting for minimum wage, obviously saw what happened, and mysteriously, went on a go slow. Her stuff kept missing the scanner, he checked her money twice, checked her note carefully, entered it into the till slowly, counted her change twice, then counted it into her hand slowly...
And yet, my adventure was STILL incomplete!
The Onlookers
Once we bagged everything up, got all the stuff out onto the buggy we made a break for the exit. As the kids were good, I had promised them some sweets for the walk home, so we stopped at the little kiosk outside. I parked up the buggy, made sure Jaysen knew to hold it up so it didn't flip backwards from the sheer weight of the shopping, and went to the kiosk to get the kids their stuff.
Twenty seconds later, there's a crash from behind me, and the buggy has flipped backwards, Tam, strapped in, clinging on upside down. It's too heavy for Jaysen to lift too. Somewhere in the region of A MILLION people stopped what they were doing, and turned to look at the Buggy-On-Its-Back, complete with the boy trying to lift it, and the toddler upside down and strapped to the (what is now) the top of the pile.
Not ONE person made a step forwards to lift it. Not ONE person moved to help. I dropped the sweets and ran back to heft it up, made sure the Peanut was fine (and she was), made sure Jaysen was OK (a bag landed on his foot) and readjusted the bags. People watched the Poor Single Dad struggle with his stuff and gave that look that was a mixture of pity and contempt.
Yes, putting the bags on the buggy was a silly idea, and the weight distribution was clearly waaay off. However, once I get out of the town, Tam gets out the buggy, and the Pile O Shite on the back gets put into the seat. Easy Peasy. However, I'd rather Tam stayed strapped and sat with every arsehole and his dog wandering around.
I managed to escape town, and that was the end of my adventure there....
People
My final GAAAAH! rant is about various people in general. The shit above, that's all just "stuff" that's happened, but there is more which I will cover with a broad subject. I wonder, sometimes, how people can go through life the way they do.
- Some people make promises which get blown out the water - and they seem oblivious to the fact.
- Others take the good nature of a person and run with it, taking advantage of it every step of the way, no matter what happens.
- Yet other people make plans and decisions without checking with the people that count, saying "This IS how it will be..." and not "Do you mind if..."
- People that say one thing but mean something completely different.
- People that say one thing and then do the complete opposite - especially the ones that blatantly LIE.
- And lastly, treating people like shit and doing ALL of the above in the space of a week.
Partly I'm thankful that most of that list isn't stuff affecting me at the moment, but others - friends and suchlike - are going through most of that crap thanks to others being arrogant, horrible, arse-headed and generally unpleasant.
If only I had a tranquilliser gun and a big fat tube of superglue... I'd get my own back on everyone...
Name: Dan English
